I’m struggling. With where I am compared to where I want to be. With working. With finances. With getting done what I can instead of what I want to. With too much to do and not enough time to do it.
That’s why I felt God calling me to persevere in 2016. Don’t quit. Keep my eyes on the prize. The hope that He promises. On Him.
But I’m not doing that so well lately.
And my husband is taking the brunt of my struggling. He’s stuck with my bad attitudes. Grumpiness. Wallowing in self.
He encourages and advises and listens. He helps when he can. Often when he can’t.
Last week, when I lashed out, it was at him. He didn’t understand, and I couldn’t explain. I didn’t even try. In fact, I blamed him. When he asked, “What’s the problem?” I answered, “You.”
Downright mean. Untrue.
The real problem is one of the heart. My heart.
To persevere, my heart must be right.
I need to correct my heart. Change it. What I really need is a heart transplant.
Oh, wait, I already had one of those. At eight, on an army-green blanket, in the Los Angeles Coliseum, I gave my heart to Jesus. Accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.
That day, Jesus washed me clean of my sin. Past, present, and future.
Oh, how I wish that meant I stopped sinning. But, as you can see, it didn’t.
Renew My Heart, God
I need to renew my heart now.
-make it new, fresh, or strong again-begin (something) again especially with more force or enthusiasm
Jesus washed my sin away, but I must continually renew my commitment to making Him Lord. Putting Him first.
Where do I begin? Just like I did when I was eight: recognize I’ve sinned. The difference now is, I’m not asking for a blanket forgiveness of all of my sin. I acknowledge the specific way I’ve sinned.
And now, as a child of God, I don’t even start with Him. I speak with Van, tell him I’m sorry.
Van extends grace to me. He forgives. Holds me close and tells me he loves me.
Then I go to God. Confess my bad attitude. My struggle with trusting Him. Waiting for His timing. Being content with my circumstances.
God, too, holds me close. Tells me He loves me. But only God has the power to renew my heart.
How thankful I am for forgiveness. Knowing I am forgiven, by Van and by God, renews my heart. I’m ready to begin again. With an improved attitude. The black cloud covering my heart lifts and sun pours in again.
I join the psalmist in praising God for His forgiveness.